I guess from reading other CFer's blogs, typically following them along their transplant journey (and beyond) it got me thinking about starting a blog of my own... not so much because I lead an exciting life, or even a remotely interesting one... but just for somewhere that I can kind of 'chat' things through with myself in a more sane way than just sat talking to myself in a corner (while hugging my legs and rocking probably!) I think deep down in my heart, I knew that by starting this blog when I have, it would probably end up becoming MY transplant (tx) journey, but didn't really want to admit it to anyone as it kind of feels like I'm giving up and resorting to the fact of it.
Anyhoo, I've had to do a lot of thinking over the past week, and I hate thinking! Last Friday saw my tx review appointment, 3 months had passed already! Last time around it was pre-peg and before all the silliness my body decided to go through... so they were perfectly happy just giving me an active monitoring status, nothing needed doing and come back over the summer... since then, despite having put on practically a stone in weight, now I'm on o2 all the time I knew which they would view as the more important factor. So Glen and I rock up, having had a partially serious talk about it on the journey, hoping they'd say have another 3 month review, but dreading they'd go with an alternative... more scary option. That's right, the scarier option was suggested... they would like me to go in for the 3 day assessment. It's not an out and out, you will go on the list from that assessment, but it's to prep and to see a)if tx is viable for me b)if I'm at the stage where they want me listed. The whole process has suddenly become a lot more real for me.
I'm terrified at the thought of it. I also feel strangely like I'm letting those around me down by giving up on my own body... I know it's a stupid thing to think, but I'm kind of ashamed to tell people that I'm at that stage. I don't feel like I'm there both mentally and even physically... you hear transplant, and you think of someone really poorly, not able to do much and that ain't me! I'm still working part-time, I'm still going to the gym, going swimming (8 lengths this week!) and other things that don't cause me issues... I'd feel a bit of a fraud and a queue jumper if I went on the list and got the tx before others who have been waiting for a long time and genuinely needed it more than me! But I don't want to rule it out now and potentially miss the boat and get too ill for the tx to be possible. Arg... no-one will make the decision for me either :(
It all just makes me think about the things I want to do and places I want to go, and then I get really down thinking that they will all have to wait until that magical post tx time (if it ever comes around as there is a severe lack of organs and donors out there) and even more scared that they could be things that potentially will never happen. I know once you're gone, you're not going to be able to care that you didn't visit a certain place or do a certain thing, but in the time before death, you can begrudge others doing them and get sad that you can't.
Mentally I'm in a downward trend atm... i know it's not healthy and it doesn't help anything, but I can't help it. I'm scared and upset :(
In Barbados, if it wasn't for my health, I think I could easily live there!
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